How perfect :/

@BostonTweet: Free public ice skating at Fenway Park on Jan 3 & 10. 3,000 tickets will be distributed on Saturday.

Article:
City of Boston

I got so used to this abuse

It kind of feels like home.

Nothing is helping.

SHUUUUUT UUUPP!!!! I scream inside of my head each time you pop up. FUCK OFF!! You are such an asshole. You’ve beyond dissapointed me.
I think i hate you more and more each day.

It physically. hurts. and i hope you feel worse.
___

I have to take things to sleep and try* to take the pain away. It’s giving me awful dreams. One where planes (blue angels) were crashing right in front of me. I looked that up and it said i’m aiming too high and my goals are unreachable…. great.

I had a dream last night about Spooky and she was around two other cats (they were all black) and when i walked back to her, Spooky’s hair was gone on one side of her and her tail was almost off of her body. I woke up and held her for a really long time. Then i looked up waht it’s supposed to mean and this is what it said:

To see a cat in your dream, symbolizes an independent spirit, feminine sexuality, creativity, and power. It also represents misfortune and bad luck. The cat could indicate that someone is being deceitful or treacherous toward you. If the cat is aggressive, then it suggests that you are having problems with the feminine aspect of yourself. The dream may be a metaphor for “cattiness” or someone who is “catty” and malicious. If you see a cat with no tail, then it signifies a loss of independence and lack of autonomy.

To see a black cat in your dream, indicates that you are experiencing some fear in using your psychic abilities and believing in your intuition. You may erroneously associate the black cat with evil, destruction, and bad luck.

ugh. when does this ever end?

Hey girl…

This song continues to be my life.

Now we’ll never know.

Call it off.

So addictive.

Don’t bend
Don’t blink
Don’t beg
Don’t scream
Don’t wine
Don’t fight
Don’t tell me, don’t tell me, don’t tell me.

Don’t feel
Don’t tear
Don’t kiss
Don’t care
Don’t touch
Don’t want me, don’t want me, don’t want me.

Don’t run
Don’t hide
Don’t hurt
Don’t lie
Don’t breathe
Don’t try
Don’t find me, don’t find me, don’t find me.

Don’t cringe
Don’t clinch
Don’t look
Don’t flinch
Don’t know, don’t go
Don’t leave me, don’t leave me, don’t leave me.

Don’t sing
Don’t talk
Don’t yell
Don’t laugh
Don’t think, don’t speak,
Don’t save me, don’t save me, don’t save me

Don’t stay
Don’t plan
Don’t heal
Don’t mend
Don’t take, don’t send
Don’t love me, don’t love, don’t love me

Somethings so sick about this,
My misery is so addictive
I’m halfway there watching Northshore from the floor singing to you over my shoulder

Wicked Bad Romance

Check it

Readings

Started again with this:

Hello Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide

Just bought this one (thanks to @suzzzanna):

Against Love: A Polemic

Scrooge

I hate Christmas, i hate holidays. I hate winter. It’s been really hard for years and years. I’ve grown into seasonal depression. Going from one house to another. It’s not fair. I’m the one who has carried this family on my back. I’ve had enough.

Two years ago my brother wrote me a wordy/disgusting email on Christmas morning (stating “you are dead to me”) because i was the only one who told him the truth.
The truth has been getting me into too much trouble. hurt. and depression.

I broke my P!nk Christmas bulb last night. It was my favorite.
How significant to my life.

This is me.

I feel like all i do is complain. I know this. In my world i’m always such a sad sad girl.
Right now, when i “smile” it’s not real.

I’ve sadly been reaching out for past heartache in order to forget about this recent sadness. I knew as soon as i picked her up.
I was told “i’m …almost…too sweet”…? She keeps talking to me, I know she wouldn’t if she didn’t want to because that’s how she is.
And then she said…”I regret…”
They always regret it.

“They ” is a category i never thought i’d put her* in. It’s awful.

I wish you knew the pain. I’ve had a different life than you. Bad things have happened to me in my twenty four years. From the pain i’ve suffered, all i want is to be loved. Loved in a way that i can never keep ahold of. It always pursues to surrender. I have absolutely nothing to give anyone.
Worn. out.

“At least you are able to and have the chance to fall in love”… no. I’d rather not have had so many people lie, fail, hurt and leave me over and over again. Each time is worse than the last. I always somehow find the strength to try again.
This time is different.
Sure…i still want my dreams to come true. I just…can not do this anymore. I gave so much of myself. Everything honestly. Every little bit of me. I can’t say that i’ve completely given myself to anyone, but her. I let myself *trust* her with my whole heart. A beautiful soul. She was different. She loved me. She did anything for me and wanted me to be happy. She made me truly happy, for once. I took a big chance. She…my soul mate.

It wasn’t even the distance that destroyed this.

______ actually saw me weep. at my lowest point. She put her arm around me and held me. She said so many things. Including that everything was going to be ok.
All i could think about was drowning in my bathtub.
Tonight, she pulled me towards her and kissed my head.
She knows.

This is me, at my deepest depression.